Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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