so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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