i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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