I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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