Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Couch. On fire.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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