omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
