Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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