Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
