So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
