I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
