Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
