I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
