She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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