I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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