I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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