Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm too high and old for this...
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
