You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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