i don't like sucking hair
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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