I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
