allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
