I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
