i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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