You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
