the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
