Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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