why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I have already put on my inside pants.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
