I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
