Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
