I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
