I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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