What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize