R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
