my mouth tastes like poor choices
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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