How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
