watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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