If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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