I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
