I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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