you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
