SEEEEXXX PLEASE
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
