I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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