I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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