At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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