how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
