Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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