Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
