It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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