I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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