considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
a search helicopter?!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
