I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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