I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
