First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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