Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
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