i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
