I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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