Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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