I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize