When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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