i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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