I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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