Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
