Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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